Like most teenagers, I dreamed of one day having my name in lights. And perhaps an interview with National Geographic, for my work with Rwanda’s apes. Maybe an Oscar for my portrayal as a feisty heroine in an epic drama preferably set in India. Or a Nobel Prize for poetry, which ‘I’d collect in Stockholm wearing a black turtleneck. Suffice to say, none of these has come true. I prefer dogs to gorillas. My poetry is used to line the bottom of my drawer, and I’ve never been to India. Sure, as a writer, I get my name in the occasional glow of a nine-point byline, but the difference between Oscars and Nobels and Helvetica typeface is that the former are all about me; the latter is by me. With the advent of the internet, all that has changed. Like most users, I am a gratuitous Googler, squandering valuable work time looking up invaluable topics such as how to clean my dog’s teeth, how to cook Risotto, and, myriad medical ailments, including tough heels (definitely cancer), lumps on elbows (certainly cancer) and easy bruising (absolutely cancer). But among these endless searches will be a valuable constant: my own name, Helen Walne. In the great scheme of things, I am not very important. I have never been medically paroled from jailed, I haven’t gone to rehab and I am not about to marry a famous celebrity. My husband has gently suggested that I seek psychological help for my addiction. I google myself every day. And yes, there are times when, like a bulimic digging into a second bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, I feel out of control, gorging on blogs, images and news and glimpses of myself.

In cyber space, there is no such thing as big fish in little ponds, or little fish in big ponds. Instead, it’s one swirling, bubbling swamp of amoebae all gasping for their own gulp of air. And for ego surfers, it’s important we float on the surface. Research has found that 47% of Internet users have performed self-googling more than double the number who did so fiveyears ago. I have realized that like wine, watching soap operas and eating pizza, moderation is the key to virtual vanity – and keeping it to yourself paramount. When you start dabbling in the competitive realms of rival surfing, you are sure to start sinking under the flotsam of self doubt. There is always someone out there with a higher ranking, a better picture, a bigger job.